Can Anybody Hear Me?

"If I could start my life from scratch
If I could take away the pain off my past
If I had another chance I would do just that
I'd give anything just to go right back ..."
The Game - "Start From Scratch"

.... I think thats about it

I Shake My Own Head At This One

"Promises made and secrets told late nights spent in ecstasy
We made love in a bed of roses for the universe to see
There was no holding back from each other both of our minds were free
Whenever we spent time apart boy it seems like eternity
So I can't understand why you brought this pain into my life oh tell me why
I gave you a reason to live and you used my love in vain
So go on by yourself to survive this alone you know you can't come back home
I hope you never have to come this way again
You used to be my lover and my friend
So please don't take offense when I say what I have to say
If you died I wouldn't cry cause you never love me anyway ..."
Mya - "If You Died I wouldn't Cry Cause You Never Loved Me Anyway"

Am I wrong for loving this song? Maybe not. But I think I'm wrong for not feeling that way. I feel what she's saying but if you died I would cry cause I loved you that much, even if you never loved me back.

Shannon Brown

That is a sexy beast! I have no idea how he is on the court but dammit he is FINE! He can almost make me a Laker(k) fan lol

The Feel of Today

"If you thought I'd sleep on this
Boy you're wrong cuz all I dream about is our first kiss
And you're the first one to make me feel like this
And this is one opportunity that I can't miss no, no
Boy you wanna know the deal
You are wondering if the words I'm sayin' are for real
Cuz you got more appeal than any man in this whole world
And baby I got to know how you feel
Tell me if you want me to
Give you all my time I wanna make it good for you
Cuz you blow my mind I promise boy that I'll be true
You're the perfect find so
Tell me if you want me to"
Groove Theory "Tell Me"

This one stems from the last post ... another banger

Songs of The Day

"... There's something special bout you
I must really like you
Cause not a lotta guys are worth my time
Ooo baby, baby, baby
It's gettin kind of crazy
Cause you are takin over my mind ..."
Alicia Keys - "You Don't Know My Name"

Don't you just love when you wake upm and you already have a song in your head? I woke up this morning and literally sang this part of the song. Now im mad my iPod is broken cause I gotta wait til I get home to listen to it :(

"I can run, I can race for hours and hours
And don't stop I can float I can fly us to the highest
Mountain top
I can breathe you, I can drink in your laugh I can... I can live on your smile
I can trip and if I can fall into your arms I can
Stay there my whole life
I can live I can love I can be better with you,
For real
I can hear I can feel I can see I can tell
You are for real ... "
Amel Larrieux - "For Real"

I saw this on someones facebook status and it made me smile. Where is Amel now? The girl is so talented I hope I have this song on my computer!

Trey Songz, Mario, Day 26, and Sean Garret in Concert

Since mid September I've been just about living to see this day ... September 30 Trey Songz was going to be in concert along with Day 26, Mario, and Sean Garrett. I'm a fan of them all so I was counting down the days! It was sooooo much fun. I know lines are never fun but no lie that two hr wait wasnt that bad either lol.

About two weeks ago I saw this spoof video/movie on Day 26 called Gay 26 that was hilarious so I thought it would be a lil weird to see them but they were actually one of my favorites! They're great! They performed they asses off.

I thought Sean Garrett was a new artist. I had no idea he was a writer he wrote some of my fav songs. His dancers were on point too. Made me think about being a back round dancer lol. Hes definitely the man and one of my new fav artists ... anyone have his CD?

Mario has always been one of my favs. I've been down with him since his first CD. Back in the day I swore I was the chick with the braids he was singing about lol. Every song he sang I sang along with him. And the ones I didn't know were from his CD coming out on the 13th which I plan on getting. He can sing his ass off so effortlessly!

Then there was Trey ... sigh. I almost kicked my own ass because my camera died once we heard his sexy ass voice singing "You Belong to Me". SMH and FML!! But he's so amazing. I mean look at em! To top it off he knows how to work a crowd. He came out with a lil band and a mike stand and had the whole crowd mesmerized! I've always been a fan of Trey but over the last few yrs he amped up his sex appeal something serious man. The guy is amazing I am def a huge Trey Songz fan now!

Just Wanna Feel the Feeling

... of a warm embrace

... of peace, joy, and happiness

... of someone who truly cares for me

It just cant be too much to ask ...

What's the True Meaning??

This is something I've always wondered. What is the true meaning of friendship? I mean yes I've had friends all my life. I have people I consider friends that have been around seems like forever. But I don't have one person that I call a friend who seems to value the friendship as much as I do. They've either lied, kept vital information from me, or just caused some sort of major drama in my life. And its not that I need them in my life but its all I know. Now its starting to affect me that I've walked around this earth for 21yrs and I don't know the real meaning of friendship. And again, it sucks to be me ...

Running at the Speed of Light

My last few days have been spent in my room. My companion has been this computer. It plays music, occasionally a tear falls. Then comes a thought or two running across my mind. What an EXAUSTING weekend it has been. Im in a slump that becomes bigger as seconds pass me by. When the seconds become minutes it becomes to much to deal with and being the person I am I feel as if there's no one I can talk to. No one to pat me on the back and say how its gonna be ok, no one to say you know what ... I've been there before you're gonna make it. I always feel as if I'm under a microscope, a microscope that doesn't allow me to feel. It judges me for my feelings and doesn't allow me to be real. Now that Im stepping back from my world and allowing myself to feel, I'm not exactly sure what I feel. Well its a lot there and as I sort through it all I keep getting lost. Its so much I wanna do and so much I wanna say but I feel as if its something holding me back. Maybe its me. Maybe Im scared of the power and talent I've been blessed with. And when I'm over the fear where the hell do I start? Who the hell will listen? Man sucks to be in my mind right about now.

Slow Down

"What if we happen to kiss, then we touch
Put a rush on it, get it over with
What if I just know what you like
And it feels right, then it's over with
What if I don't call you back, prove you right
All this lasts is just one night
Baby we should slow it down"

Drake - "Slow Down"

Too many what ifs if u ask me. I love this song and I wish a lot of guys would see it this way too. There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking your time and getting to know eachother on a different level before taking it to THAT level. It clears ur mind and makes sure you're not building anything on lust ... Preach Drizzy!!!

The Two L's

Labels and love ... most of us want it, few of us have it. A lot of people have a knock off. Looks like the real thing, may even feel like the real thing. But at the end of the day an essential piece is missing to make it what it really should be.

I just finished watching Sex and the City if you cant tell by now lol. I love this movie but I try not to watch it because it really gets my mind working. For one I crave labels! I want the good life. Now dont get me wrong, I dont need it. I would just like to be able to get what I want when I want it with out putting something else to the side for it. As for the other L ... we all want it. Whether from friends or family, a girl, a guy. We need it in our lives. Some love is easier to find than others. One thing abt love is for sure. It can come in many forms from different kinds of people but it will NEVER hurt. And its not difficult. Some struggle may be present because nothing worth anything in life is easy but heartache and pain isnt apart of love. Learned that the hard way ...

I Wish You Were Here

"But sometimes I wonder why
Why cant u still be here wit me?
Wish God would've waited a couple more years for u to see
I'm tryna stay strong
Barely holdin on
I kno I'll see u again,
But for right now, rest in peace
And when I get to heaven
First thing they'll say to me
Tell me have u seen Estelle Marie Talley
Find out where u are,
Run into your arms
Wrap yo wings around me
And whisper in my ear, well done"
"Wish You Were Here" - Jamie Foxx




Thats the face of an angel . . . my Great Grandmother Bessie Mae Clayton . . . better known to the family as Sister. Friday would be her 103rd bday. I work Friday so I wont be able to pay a visit to the cemetery to see her so Im goin today since Im off. Now I knw I dnt need to go to the cemetery and all cause her body is no longer there but for some reason I feel so close to her when Im there. Even though I live in her old house. Her room is now mine, her bed is even mine. But whenever Im at the cemetery it feels as if she's right there with me comforting me as I speak to her and let her know what Im goin through and how much I miss her. This yr seems to be one of the hardest for me. I know I was her heart. After all I am her Great Grandchild and I was with her almost everyday of my life up until her passing. It hurts to know that Im not living my life the way I should and I know she disappointed. I dont care to much about what people think of me but to know im hurting her hurts more than anything in the world. Bessie Mae Clayton, you are my heart! I love you and I promise Im gonna get it right so I can see you again one day!

On a Mission!

"Life’s a game and but its not fair
I break the rules so I don’t care
So I keep doing my own thing
Walking tall against the rain
Victory’s within the mile
Almost there don’t give up now
Only thing thats on my mind
Is who’s gon run this town tonight..."
Jay Z ft. Kanye and Rihanna - "Run This Town"

I'm so close but yet so far away ...

This Could Be Something

"Fallen too fast
Clearly rules don't apply
Can't believe that I just met you
You got me here
Watching minutes past by
Wondering when to express you
There you go
Is this a dream
Looking like every picture
That I seen of you before
I've seen it all before
Now that it's over
I shoulda known better
When you think this is real and
You could be mine
I should have known better
Slowed it down cause I feel
You needed time
But I kept thinking
This could be something ... "
Drake- "Something"

Have you ever met someone and even though you have only been acquainted a short amount of time you feel like that person the one? Well maybe not the one but that person is most definitely someone you see yourself going somewhere with. Then once you think evrything is going right things go to the left and downhill it goes from there. And you really keep thinking "this could be something". At the end it seems to have been nothing at all. Thats what happens when you like a lil too hard lol.

Just a Lil Thought

Im in love with the way u made me feel
But you ... your just a symbol of blatant disrespect
The feeling you gave me is timeless!
Ill never forget how the love I felt comforted me at nite
And how it made me feel safe when the world around me was in dismay
The love I felt was unforgettable!
But you ... your memory fades away like an old picture
I used to believe it was you that I still cared for
When really it was nothing more than the feeling I yearned for
Now that I know I can truly let you go
All that remains is a smile on my face
And a joyful feeling that thankfully will never go away

Michael Jackson Memorial

Today was the final farewell to the King Of Pop. I had to work today and missed the live memorial so I caught it later on I just finished watching it and I must say the inspiration is there. Michael died at 50 which means he came up in the world in a time where there weren't many black people out doing what he was doing. Breaking records, being on national tv, having a cartoon. Not to mention the scandals he went through as an adult. He has risen above it all. What ever your personal views are on this man you cant deny the power and affect he had on the world. I agree with Berry Gordy ... he is the greatest entertainer! He can sing, dance, he commands your attention. I've always been a MJ fan but in his death I understand him as a man more. I've always had an appreciation for the artist Michael, but after seeing the lives he has touched between people who are torn up about it coming in to make a deposit at work and his friends who had the chance to speak about him at the memorial, I see how great of a person he is. Not was but is. We all have a purpose in life and I believe you should use yourself to the best of your God given ability to make an impact on the world as Michael did. Im just brought to tears as I write this and listen to a few of his songs. The man was great and I vow from this day to use each and every one of my talents to impact someone in the world even if the only person I make an impact on is myself!

Story of my Life ...

"The thugged out pimped out images release them
Save those roles for the young souls who believe them
I want the undefinable, indescribable and more,
But yet so clear when you walk through that door
I said I want it hard, mystical,tender and correct
Without expectations with all of that met
Take me around the world, but please come direct
Speak to me, speak to my heart"

Tamia - "Poetry"

I'm not too sure what I want anymore. I do know want something that Ive never had before. I wanna be treated so good that its unbelievable! Don't know where to find this person, so I wont look anymore. Looking has got me nowhere but back at square one.

Gift From Virgo

I wish I could look in your eyes
And tell you how I feel Right now inside
Baby I know that it's real
So real so real, so real
How I wish I could be with you
How I wish I wish I wish I could be with you right now
Every morning, every afternoon, every night I wanna be with you
It don't matter if we go to the park or watch a play
Stay in the hotel room all day I just wanna be with you
I love everything about you from your old school tennis shoes
To the way you move when you're dancing with me
Do you remember our first kiss
It wasn't long enough
Remember the first time we spent those weeks together
They were not long enough
All of our conversations all of your sweet pages
They're never long enough
When it's time for me to leave it's so hard to say good-bye
I never want to say good-bye
I never ever want to say good-bye
One day we'll make love
Finally I'll be yours
Only you only you I could love you
It's too late I already love you
I love you I love you I love you

-Beyonce "Gift From Virgo"

R.I.P. Michael Jackson

Man I'm still in shock about his death. I was at work when it happened and my co workers and I just wouldn't believe it. We were all on google on different sites comparing what we were seeing. I didn't believe it till I heard Big Boy on Power 106 giving his condolences. Man even though I'm young I grew up on MJ! I remember being lil listening to the Jackson 5 thinking they were sooo cool. I thought he was my age until I fell in love with the "Bad" album and was like hey he's older than my parents! Dude is amazing and its still a lil surreal to turn the channel to BET and see a marathon of music videos being played in memory of him. I can see my kids bumping some music like this is my song! Then I see myself giving them a lil music history lesson like my mom used to do me with Public Enemy lol "that's not original music!" "that's a sample!! music just ain't how it used to be" ..... MJ ur memory will live on. Gone but never forgotten

Fathers Day 2009

This by far was the best Fathers Day I think I ever had! Although the day isn't about me I really enjoyed this one. Its been almost 7yrs on the dot since I spent this day with my own Father. So I got a call from my Dad asking if I would be up to going out with him to Universal Studios and I was like umm YEAH!! So we go and had a nice lil day with dinner at Aunt Kizzies after. I'm really starting to feel like the missing pieces to my puzzle are really coming together sigh..... 

Song of the Day

"My girls all call me crazy

Cause Im out here callin you baby

I shouldnt have let you hit that

Cause now I cant forget that

I thought I wouldnt really give a fuck

But now a bitch all in love

Don’t mean to be a hater

But ooo .... shit .... damn .... you so good!"
Electrik Red - "So Good"

Man Im really on Electrik Red cause I swear a lot of their songs are saying exactly how a girl be feeling sometimes! If you aint heard them go listen now!

Boredom

I have this problem where nothing really excites me. Especially in the work place. Ive never been at a job more than a yr and a half and its all because the thrill of learning something new is gone and replaced wit the redundant act of doing the same shit everyday. I really don't know what I should do to make sure I'm content with what ever it is I do. Money is the motivation so maybe if I get somewhere where I can make enough money then I wont care about not feeding my need for knowledge .... I don't know. Now that I think about it, school is my answer. Still want a new job making more doing something different but I'll have my fix at the same time being in school being able to gain some sort of knowledge. This whole teller thing is too played. I'm standing all day, dealing with these stupid customers who are too lazy to read the slip for what type of transaction their doing. Ugh! Their stupidity is starting to get to me. Everyone used to say how much I smile and how happy I always seem to be. I haven't heard that comment in a long time cause I can bet I'm the angry black girl at the branch lol. Only fake smiles and attitude smh. Not the way it should be. I think a City job may be calling my name .....

Content

I finally made my progress .... last night was my Aunt on my Dad's side surprise b day party and instead of chickening out, I actually went! I was filled with anxiety all week about last night .... will my Dad be there? Will he bring Kamron? How will I react?

So I walk into the Grand Event Center with my friends and the first person I saw was my cousin Sommer. Before I could really say hi my uncle Cece grabbed me and took me over to my Dad and we just hugged forever as I was shaking in his arms and crying. I turned around to be greeted by the rest of the fam and all the cameras. Then I see this lil boy on the side of me and someone says something about Kamron .... I was like whoa this is my lil brother???!!! And he is so cute and precious, he loves his big sis and I love him even more. So we all did a lil catching up and a whole lot of dancing. Man we a goofy fam lol. It was a lovely night and I wish it didn't have to end. Especially since when it was over my lil bro almost cried to have to part from me. If nothing else I promise to stay in touch with him. Omg it was most definitely a night to remember. And now I'm content ......

12:34am

Its more than just a time. More like a memory that can never go away. Good, bad .... happy, sad. Bet he doesn't even have a clue what it means to me. Sometimes when I feel as if I miss him I look for it to be 12:34am hoping I'll have some sort of contact from him. Silly but true. No matter how long we go without speaking, no matter how much I claim to despise this guy .... it seems as if he will always be around. History is bound to repeat its self but if I re-write the present maybe I'll see a different outcome. Friendship is all I really want. Nothing more nothing less. But friendship is what I seem to not be able to get. Too bad fairy tale endings don't exist in real life. Funny how I'm writing this and "Simple Kind of Life" comes on. LOL dammit Gwen didn't need to hear that right now but hey time will tell where I end up i n this situation .....

UCLA Undie Run

Last nite was the UCLA Undie Run ..... what an experience lol. I had soooo much fun! I dont know why its called an Undie RUN when I didnt run at all lol. Well I lied .... we ran half a block only because we parked sooooo effin far and we wanted to be with the rest of the half naked people in Westwood lol. I most likely will be at the next one ...... I was bein all shy this time since it was my 1st time and all but the next one Ima really do it hehehehe

YAWN!!!!

Sooooo ....

Its my friends birthday weekend and to kick off the celebration we went to our club (btw if you happen to watch VH1 after 10pm and have TIVO and you see a commercial for a club with me in it record it so I can see it lol. I just cant seem to catch it!) and it was poppin! Of course it was the few people you just cant stand because they really think they running things in there which they're NOT! But its something we're all used to by now. It was overly crowded but it was a crowded we all could deal wit. Everybody was dancing, laughing .... no fights. My friend B day has most definitely started off with a bang. Im glad it did because I wont be in there anymore. I see too many people in there that I knw have been in there almost half of their lives and I just CANNOT be one of them. And its kinda gettin in between some things and its not really worth it right now ....


But being out partying all nite has major consequences .... today is the1st day of our extended hours at work so now we close at 4 instead of closing at 1 so I gotta find some energy and get through this day .... omg and I gotta stop yawning! Lol

Gloomy Like The Weather

"I need drug money,

Who got drug money?

I am talking white Phantom sitting on dub money

I am talking cold champagne at the club money

And no I ain't emotional but baby I love money .... "
- Drake "The Presentation"

Man I know money cant buy you happiness and that with money comes other problems and issues but dammit just a lil more would solve a lot of problems! Debt is one bad bitch. Being only 21 and having the debt since 19 makes it that much worse. SMH well I guess when the going gets tough I just gotta step up and get a lil tougher myself. Its just a lot to deal with when you feel as if you just dug yourself out of a hole and once you step away you fall right into another one. Its cool though cause for once I sort of have a plan. I just gotta grind a lil harder for the rest of the yr and by early 2010 I should be straight. Thats enough self pitty for the day ... problems now pushed to the back of my mind so I can continue with my day ....

Who is Saemone La'Quece???

Impatient, hard loving, kind hearted, temperamental, sweet, controlling, trustworthy, optimistic, intellectual, talented, realist, spiritual, loner, self centered, shy, caring, over bearing, beautiful, selfish, care free, hard working, likeable, fun loving, party animal, complex, fighter, passionate, considerate, naive ....

....as contradicting as some of those descriptions may be, its me. I learn something new abt my self almost everyday. The "me" search is a work in progress

Spoiled Lil Mone

Growing up I always got what I wanted. Especially since I am an only child lol. I had the biggest barbie house, the best barbie car, a puppy, if my friend got something I wanted first my mama did what she had to just so no one else beat me to the punch .... not only does that spoil you as a child but it carries on into adulthood. Man! Im starting to see how much of a brat I am! If something doesn't go the way I say it should go Im in the most terrible mood. I dnt wanna be talked to, looked at ..... nothing till I get my way.

Right now my issue is with guys. I knw exactly what I want in a guy, knw exactly what I want him to do, knw exactly how I want him to act but with matters of the heart {even when its just like} its a give or take situation, not a gotta have it my way or the highway kinda thing. If only I weren't made so damn complex! Its gonna take one hell of a guy to handle me lol

Long Beach, CA

Passin by the cherry exit on the 91 always sends some sort of shock thru my mind. Off that exit the other half of me resides. Long Beach isn't far at all from where I live or where I kick it at but for some reason Im scared to travel there. Today as we were passing cherry I got the urge, Saemone just go!! But I couldn't do it. Too much goes along with that trip, idk when Im goin to ever be ready to just face it && take it step by step && see what happens ..... then God steps in. I believe everything happens for a reason. I get a message about a party for one of my aunties. Everyone is gonna be there, everyone including my dad.
This is my chance. Let the progress begin ...

You gotta be S P E C I A L

"You can't just love me like they do

I need someone special in you

I know that out there theres a few

See I've been searching I don't what to do Can you help me?

He gotta be special

By that I mean that you gon hold me down

Cuz you never know how people stick around

A guy I can love that sees nothing wrong with getting used to me

Yea my name aint change but I'm far from the woman that I used to be .... "

"Special - Drake ft. Voice


Ok ok I knw this song is some ancient Drake shit but this song is so real. Im looking for someone special. I dnt want the ordinary. I want someone to be down, someone who really cares. May be a lil far fetched but as long as I dream its a possibility it can come true .....

"I told you I'm careful with my heart girl, many have played me

Or maybe its karma

They say Ima charmer

Hafway to a knight so I stay in a armor

I'm fire on the move

A tire looking smooth

I'm not perfect but I got a desire to improve

I'm special

Like kids in a graduating class

Having more trouble than others when addin basic math

Need you to be special like areba to cootmore

Double o, top secret agents with suits on

Something so deep it da drown me

Friends are some cool dudes

I vouch for the people around me

On your end its simple

All you have to do

Is give me no reason for other lovers after you"


....point blank period!

Whoop Whoop!

Ahhhhh it feels so good to take care of business! I must say Im proud of me lol. Finally got enrolled and did my 1st day of my community service. Wasnt anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be. Better late than never I guess lol. Im slowly but surely payin off this accident I got myself into, just found out there's gonna be less pressure at work on the referal tip. I must say life is goin pretty good right now .... evrything is in my reach and Im reaching out to grab it!!

Two Ears Full of Tears

Back in the swing of things from my week long vacation. Man is it hard to get back on track! I woke up this morning like whats work? Lol I had a lovely time for my b day though. Got my ATL on at Skate Depot introduced my mom to our party place lol. It was all laughs and giggles now Im back to my reality. Back to the same raggedy agenda. Saw some shit that really got me fucked up in the head last nite. Didnt even have to do with me directly but I swear you cross someone close to me and its like a cut to my heart. It got me thinking about some of the choices Im making that can put me in the same hurtful position. It really kills me that I know Im smarter than a lot of the choices I decide to make. Looking back I can see how my tolerance of destructive behavior caused a lot of pain felt not only by me.

So now I lay in bed listening to some music trying to clear my mind, its the only thing working for me right about now. Where the hell did these tears come from? Man I gotta make a move and make it quick. Im hurting myself. I think all I want is my respect. I need to get into some deep prayer and get this together cause this here really aint it. Until its together Im M.I.A. I definitely need some me time and not the kind that would grant me temporary happiness. Here I go .. .. ..

April 29, 1988

Happy b day to my fav Robert Jackson! It really hurts that u aint here to see 21. Its still hard to believe that you're gone. I think of your b day and expect to be at Danny house turning it up or something cause we all knw Danny house is the function house lol but we not. Come to think of it that's the last place I saw you for Danny's b day. Man this just aint right. I just wrote on your facebook page and I feel so weird knowing I won't be getting a thank you back but I know you feel all the love we throwing up to you from down here. We really love you man from the bottom of our hearts. I'll see you again one day Fav and when I do I expect one of your hugs too, k? I miss those the most .. .. ..

Caught up in This Lovers Thing

Infatuation : the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love ; addictive love. Usually, one is inspired with an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for somone.

Its such a comfortable state. No commitment but you get the perks of having someone to care for whether its something semi serious or if its something to admire from afar. My thoughts are racing all day floating from memory to memory of time spent. This dude is AMAZING!!! Its just too bad Im going to be stuck in this position for quite a while because of the kind of guy he is. Hes someone no girl will ever be able to get close to. You know this but you're still drawn to him. Hes almost the perfect guy: BOMB body, CUTE face, dresses cute, has his own place, hes a go getter, makes his money, WONDERFUL personality, can hold a convo, listens and remembers what you tell him .. .. .. nothing can be that good without a catch. His is a fatal one. I was warned not to fall too deep for him. Thinking I had it all under control I went in head first. One day Ill learn to listen lol

Progress

Progress :to grow or develop, as in complexity, scope, or severity; advance

This is my word of the day. Im big on progress because I just cant allow myself to be in the same place for too long. Whether its in a position at work, making the same amount of money, driving the same car .. .. .. I need a lil variety in my life! There's too much out in the world waiting for me to get my hands on for me to settle for the same ole same ole old shit everyone else strives for. Im trying to move a lil higher. See whats beyond the horizon.

You see I have this one lil issue. One thing thats holding me back from my personal progress. Some call it a father, I call it a sperm donor. A father is much more than a word describing who a man is to a child. Its someone who is there to offer support, give advise, show you how you should be treated as a lady. I never had that person in my life. That figure was replaced by someone I feared. Most joy was replaced with pain. I can think of a handful of memories containing laughter. Most were tears. I would love to find this man again and be able to let him know the pain I have deep down inside of me. The anger I carry with me everyday. I wonder how he would feel to know I feel in love with someone who was just like him and went through the same heartache that my mother was subject to at the hands of him. I think if I were to be able to express this to him I'd be able to finally move past it and begin to trust and love again with a heart thats no longer heavy. I must make that a priority!

Life is Beautiful as Ever when it Pans out .. .. ..

Im not feeling like my self too much rite now. Im not sure who I feel like, it just dont feel like me if that makes any sense. Im kinda on a me search right now. I know who I was now Im trying to see who Im going to be. I feel a full transformation coming on, love life, financial situation, car situation, home life .. .. .. all that shit! No more holding on to what - ifs or shoulda coulda wouldas. Everything prior to this day has to be left in the past where it belongs. Relationships mostly. Not that I dont know how to move on but it takes a lot for me to let someone into my heart and life that once Im supposed to let em go its a void that seems so hard to fill so I end up letting them back into my life even if just as a friend. And after all this back and forth Ive been subject to I dnt think ex's with a big history can be friends. Too many feelings and so much love lost. All those feelings mix together to make a big painful disaster. Its just all bad. Im even playin with the thought of moving again. Hey Ill be 21 in a few days so Vegas is sounding a lil nice lol. But then I dont knw. We shall see what's in store in the coming months. Wish me luck!

See You a lil Later my Friend

Yesterday we said our final good-bye to Robert. This was one of the biggest funerals Ive ever been to. Shows you how many people he knows and how many lives he has touched. There was no sitting room so when it came time for the viewing of the body and the line started coming in of all the people who had to watch the service outside, I was just sitting there like omg he's gonna be missed by wayyy more than I could even imagine. We all pretty much went to the same high school and of course everyone isnt all buddy buddy. I was in there with a couple people I dont get along with and we all kept it cool for him. Im glad nothing bad happened, sometimes we just dont know how to act. The repast was just as nice. Didnt really know what to expect but it was a lot of fun. All the F L I P S I D E homies had on their Robert shirts and it was a lot of food, music, dancing, and love. Its been so long that I can say all of them were together whether kickin it or at a party and it was nice to see them all together again. I hope this wasnt a one day thing. They all look so good together and I know Robert would love for the guys he loves to all get along and be the bros they should be. So now I took all my memories of Robert from the 4yrs Ive known him and his lovely homegoing service and put them in a special place in my heart so that I can have them with me forever. I LOVE YOU MAN!!

The amazing F L I P S I D E !! Gotta love these guys

Laughter {smile}

I just ran across a blog that seemed interesting so I began to see what this chick was about in her blog and the 1st thing I see is a title "Im in Love With a Stripper" I was like ooooooo lemme read this! So I read and shes talking about how she has this stripper dude who she liked untill she found out her shows her the same attention he shows evryone else up in the club. That made me wonder how long it took her to figure that out! Strippers are a whole other kind of being. Sounds odd but its true. Take it from someone who been around them for toooooo long! They live their life different. That true definition of that up all night life! You will never be his only one, if you are how he gonna get his money? Smh sad but I dont know not one that doesnt mess with every girl youve ever seen tip him. That or the girl is his "sister" and they girl probably plotting on how to get in his pants anyway so she count too lol. Too much drinking too much smoking . . . you cant do all that sober! Terrible, just terrible.

With that said stay away from em unless you like being trapped, enjoy drama, and like spending alot of money every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday lol. Now Im going to read this for motivation and take my own advise!

One Day at a Time

So its day 3. Each day gets a lil easier to make it through but I know in a week Ill be saying my final good-bye. Its still so surreal to me. Yesterday I spent abt 5hrs with his family reflecting on all the good times and gave some pics to show in the slide show they're going to have I can say that was the first time I thought about him with out a tear coming to my eye. We saw all of our prom pics and pics of him in all his silly moments like the pic of me and my ex at Six Flags the day after prom where its supposed to be just me and my ex and he came in the pic blowin kisses lol oh and the pic of him in the drill team girls outfit hahahaha . . . memories, precious memories.

Today is a day of mixed emotions. Its a good feeling to have someone care for you but its hard when you care for the person too but not quite in the same way. Its like a battle because I want a relationship and who better than with him but I still have this I dont know in the back of my mind. Part of it is I think Im too much for him. I do a lot of things he doesnt care for, go a lot of places he would prefer me not to go, but still Im the one he wants. Wow . . . maybe Im in disbelief. He's really an amazing guy. Ive known him for the longest and he has never changed towards me. I gotta get my feelings in order and figure out what it is I want before he falls too deep and I hurt him. That would be the worst dont wanna do that . . .

Painful Memories

Last night was just about the roughest night Ive had in the longest. All the late nites I spent thinking of my problems and crying over the past dont amount to how I feel right now. After seeing everyones away messages and looking at his facebook page its like you gotta believe its true but im just not ready to accept it yet. No not yet. My mind keeps going back to my two favorite memories of him. One from at his cousins b day party a year ago. It ended with a fight and I was in the street crying cause I couldnt find my ex who is his friend and he stayed by my side and even though he know I was tripping he made sure I didn't leave that house until I saw and spoke 2 my ex then he checked on me the next day and didn't even clown me for acting a damn fool over nothing. My other memory is last June at a kickback when he found out me and my ex weren't together anymore and he pulled me to the side asked me why and when I told him and began to cry he really comforted me and apologized for him. It may seem a lil corney but its so true. That's the caring loving kind of guy he was. Im really like making myself sick over all of this its really too much. And this is only day 2. I don't know how we all are going to get through this. I believe everything happens for a reason but I can't understand this one. I keep thinking why did he have to get shot? Why didn't the dude freak out and shoot his self? It just wasn't his time I guess. Doesn't seem fair that it was Roberts time either but God makes no mistakes. Some people you wonder about when they die. You hope they lived their life accordingly and will end up in heaven. I know Robert is in Heaven looking down on us hoping there is something he could do to stop our pain . . . Love you man!!!!!

April 29, 1988 - April 6, 2009

R.I.P Fav Ima miss you

Life is entirely too short. Just a few months ago I was partying with you now I get an email saying your gone. I dont even know what to say. All I know is it wont be the same with out you buddy. We all gonna miss your smile, your laughs, runing into your arms screaming your name when I see you, and omg idk what Ima do at the next party I go to and your not there dancing with the rest of the Flipside hommies . . . this is too much for me. Not just me, but everyone! I love you and Im gonna miss the hell outta you Robert Jackson!

Stepping Out On Faith Hoping I Don't Land On My Face

So Im on this Im gonna be 21 in a month what am I gonna do tip again and I think the best present I can give myself is a new start. It would be nice to transfer to a Chase branch in Vegas. New faces, new experiences . . . but I feel like I'd be running away from what I want to change instead of being a big girl and changing it. I think after I write this I'll get me a new aim and sign onto that adding just the few people I can stand to talk to, a number that has severely changed. The same people dont excite me anymore. Neither does doing the same things. Guess its just that time to cut the ties and move on . . . .

Damn This Feeling!

So its April 4th meaning its the morning after the night of April 3rd . . . boy was that a nite! I dont know how Im about to make it through these 5 hours of work today like this. Woke up this morning and my head was just spinning! Somehow last nite I found some excitement after I got dressed and When I got there I was really feeling the atmosphere . . . untill I went back to the old me and had me a lil drink. Your tolerance really goes down if you havent done it in a while and boy was I gone! And its something about liquor that makes me see things for what they really are. I had a couple of eye opening experiences that leads me to the point where I wont be making calls, writing text messages or excepting any of those as a matter of fact to/from a few people. Its too much to deal with and all of it is pretty pointless.

Question is if I know all this why do I continue to go?? Now thats the million dollar question. There used to be a certain excitement about it all then when that wore off it was the thrill of watching the drama behind it all then when you become apart of the drama its like whoa what am I doing here. You move from each step so fast that before you know it youre sucked in. Only thing I know for sure is Im not going back and Im not drinking anymore this is like the longest blog ever written because when Im writing I forget how I feel lol. I got a headache out this world and my stomach is cussing me out. All I keep thinking is U CANT THROW UP AT WORK!!!!!!!!!!!! How disgusting would that be. Im so sick and tired I made a copy and damn near fell asleep leaning over the copy machine! Its bad, reaaaalllll bad. But bright side is its only an hr and a half till closing and hopefully they just lemme go!

So Its April 3rd

Tonight is the "big nite" its a lil after 10:30am and I bet you they ova at the club now getting ready for the "big nite". WHATEVA!!! I was looking forward to this day and now that its here Im really making myself go. I would almost rather sit at home all alone with no one to talk to than to get sucked into that place again. Its funny because almost this time last year me and my people got an award for most faithful members on the award show night lol. It took almost fighting and feeling like that place just really didnt have my back like they should to get me out. Now here I am a good two months later with my outfit laid out at home waiting for me to put on for the "big nite". Its just not how it used to be. The majority of people that go there get way to involved and Im definitely no exception. So if you happen to see me at the club wit no drink in my hand no smile on my face you know whats up. Im in there stricky for support to the few people in there I still consider to be real. Next month I wont be doin this bs!!

May 5, 2009

Thats the day . . . it'll mark 21 yrs of me gracing this world with my presence. Although a lot of it wasnt too good, its what makes Saemone who she is. Man, I got a month and 4 days and its here. I feel like Im having a mid life crisis or the equivalent to it cause Im sitting in this room just about going crazy! At 16 I had it all planned out. By 18 I'd be in my own place, working at my wonderful job, in love with the then amazing boyfriend . . . funny how the tables turn. Dont get me wrong I love my job (notice thats the only thing I have in that list smh) but money is most definitely not on the route to the better me. I feel like so much has changed in me for the worst in the last few years since high school ended. I can look in the mirror and its supposed to be the same girl, but I dont see the same reflection I used to. Not too much has changed physically but if you take a look deep down into the heart of that girl in the mirror all you see and feel is cold. Not much happiness, not much joy or excitement. Where the hell does it all go? I sure as hell have my ideas but I refuse to let that claim any other parts of me . . .

Everyone says that 21 is so young, Sure I have plenty of time but dammit Im a girl who wants it all! I hate more than anything in the world not to get what I want. So this is another internal struggle that I must conquer in order to move on and turn the page to begin writing the next chapter of Saemone's amazing life. Like drake says "I hope they document what Im becoming" cause boy ole boy is it gonna be a sight to see!

Lost

There's this empty void in my life that I cant really figure out how to fill. I really dont know what to fil it with. So I sat down and thought about all the things I feel Im missing in my life. I came up with a significant other, money in the savings acct, I dont know what I wanna do with my life, and Im not in school. Not knowing what to with my life is a big issue. Im damn near 21 now! I miss being in school soooo much but I have no idea what to go to school for because I dont know what to do with my life. When I was in school I has all for Fashion Merchandising. That field is super cut throat! I'd love t be a shoe buyer but the retail fashion business just isnt for me. Thats what kept me in retail for so long. I was trying to force myself into a field I dont have the patience or really the drive for. On the other hand I love music. As poetic as it may sound its really the air that I breathe. Working in Santa Monica I meet a lot of cool people. My bank is right by the MTV studios and I believe Sony and Epic so I see these people all day rolling around in their Audi's,BMW's, Mercedes's, and Bentley's. I see it. I want it. I crave it. Sitting here depositing and withdrawing money for them aint gonna cut it much longer. I gotta get my stuff together. Its past about time!

It Sho Dont Come From Nothin!

Im usually a pretty helpful person. All of my friends know if they need to talk or need advise they can call on me and I help them out the best way that I can. But one thing I cant hear about anymore is change. I just went down my aim list and saw how many aways are talking about how they want something different in their lives. Now my mom has me hooked on the secret and the whole law of attraction thing. One of the things you have to know to use the law of attraction is what you focus on expands. If you focus on what u want and not what you dont have your change can come. Most people harp on the fact that they cant find a good guy/girl, they arent making enough money . . . you're wasting valuable time on your aint gots when you need to see what it is you want and make it happen.

What I need people to understand is CHANGE COMES FROM SOMETHING! You have to take some steps in a DIFFERENT direction in order to see something DIFFERENT come into your life. I cant stand to see people sit back and complain when they are in control of what happens in their life. Ima need all of yall to stop the bitching and moaning get off yo ass and make something happen cause you sitting around is doing absolutely nothing for your progress.

I just had to get that off my chest . . . wheeewww!

Sunday Night . . . **Smile**

"I'm tryna do it all tonight,

I got plans

I gotta certain Lust For Life,

And as it stands

Everything is going as right,

As it can

They tryna shoot down my flight,

before it lands"
Drake - "Lust For Life"

If you know me or have been reading this blog of mine you would know that Im a Drake fan . . . hes on tour wit Wayne on the I AM MUSIC tour but my slow ass missed out on the opportunity to go. And I refuse to pay what they're charging for the nose bleed section unless they letting me backstage or something after the show! Ya feel me?? Lol so since I effed up on that one I actually got an invite to club Sugar Sunday where he's supposed to be performing! YAY!!!! Now this is my dilema . . . the I AM MUSIC tour is also on Sunday at Universal Studios. I mean Sugar and Universal Studios arent that far apart but they betta not be playing me. This would make my yr if I got to see this dude perform . . . hope it all happens as planned!

My Song Of The Day

"When you hear me talkin, what you think

When you lookin into my eyes, what you see

I know you ain't tryna to be my man

What you think about us bein friends, makin plans

To be everything we wanna be, makin our dreams turn reality

I'm diggin everything you appear to be

And I'm wonderin if we could be could be . . ."
-Keyshia Cole "We Should Be"

I had the Ipod on shuffle today and ran into that song . . . its so pretty!

. . . .

I love the way Im getting past these so called tough days with such ease. I barely even remembered what yesterday was and the 21st ended up being the most turnt up night Ive had in months! And not because I was depressed and sad, but because I was just focused on me and mine. Now dont get me wrong I was depressed at work in the am but once the street lights came on and we all got dressed up for GREEK MANIA it was a wrap! Everybody was there . . . familiar faces from high school all the people you love to be around in a club setting. It was fun! Too bad I looked a hot mess walking out of there oh boy. Cant wait till the next major function April 3rd. For those of you who know me you know where Im gonna be at. Lets just hope I dont act a fool and end up getting kicked out opening night . . . but then again if you know me you know I really dont care hehehe

March 21, 2008

A day I will always remember but I wish I could forget. Better yet I wish I could go back in time and take a different route to avoid all heart ache and pain Im experiencing now. I had an unrelated talk with my mom last nite and she says I need to learn to forgive and forget. I spent damn near all night thinking about this and the past year Ive experienced seems unforgivable. Countless restless nights, rivers of tears cried, trust gone. Then on the other hand if I take the steps to be able to let it go then maybe ill have the peace of mind for those things to be able to come back. Maybe Ill learn to trust someone again, maybe the rivers of tears will dry up . . . Ill never know untill I try but taking that first step is the hardest step to your goal.

I promised my mom to try the whole forgive and forget thing but the bigger promise is to myself. Not just to the events of March 21, 2008, but for everything that Im holding in fighting against. I dont want to fight anymore. The battles with yourself are the hardest ones, and the only ones you really control. So Im ready to take that first step no matter how hard it may be so I can get past this. So after today no more bitching and complaining. No more crying and no more regrets. This didnt happen by mistake as unfortunate as it is. So my first step is thanking God for choosing me to go through this because to allow me to go through this I know He believes Im strong and I know He has something great destined for me. I also thank Him for the strength that He has already blessed me with. Theres a blessing in every situation and Im still on my journey to recieve this one.

Internal Struggle Part 1,000

There's always a time in your life when you have a battle with yourself with right and wrong. You know what you want, you know what you need but you try to find a way to put the two together when they just dont match up.

I've always been the type to hide my feelings from myself. All I gotta do is say Saemone, you dnt care no more . . . its nothing and I really feel that until that moment comes when your reality sets in and you realize that you cared. When your reality sets in you realize that ur really hurt.

So now im at the crossroads. If I go left im setting myself up for disaster. Heartbreak, pain, crazy jealousy, unnecessary haters. If I go right then im being me. Going on the path I started. Not that I like or enjoy the drama but the straight and narrow is far less interesting as going to the left and hitting a few bumps in the road. That was the old me and even though I see that a change was needed and actually started making the change I wanna go back just for a quick second! Is that so wrong?

. . . Don't worry I know the answer to that question. This was one of those reflective lunch breaks. Most definitely.

Tuesday Nights

There's something about Tuesday nights. Maybe its the music or the bright lights or the pure excitement of being around a bunch of people who all came to have fun without all the extra drama. No one wants that. I know Im really just tired of it . . . So every Tuesday night people like me get together at Skate Depot and skate the night away. I dont want to sound like a scene out of ATL but it feels like nothing matters . . . all the drama disapears from 8:30 - 12:30. So every week I wait for Tuesdays and when Tuesday turns into Wednesday Im waiting for the next week so I can do it all over again.

And boy am I a terrible skater! Lol I fall all over the place in there. So tonight Im hoping to not fall on my ass in front of everyone trying to get geeked up or run into another wall trying to pass up someone who obviously skates faster than me . . . no promises tho lol

Whoa Whoa WHOAAAAA!!!!!!!

So I just had the most AMAZING weekend! I havent been out in so long it felt good to get all dressed up and hit a club. I gotta get used to being in heels again cause man do my ankles hurt right now! Sheesh!!!!

The club was a set up though if you ask me. That was the wrong neighborhood to have a party of that type and we all shouldve known it wouldnt last too long when it pretty much just started and it was already 3 police cars in the parking lot lol. But once you got in and you find out they're giving out wristbands to EVERYONE and the 1st two drinks are free . . . you kinda forget about all of that. Well untill an hour into it and you're really feeling it and they stop the music to announce the after hours spot cause the police just shut it down smh. I wasnt even mad though thats what happens when your feeling yourself and everyone around you (wink - wink).

Yesterday was my Granny's b - day . . . she's so cute man. She just wanted me to go to Church with her and I did and I usually dont like going to her Church but for once I really enjoyed it! Its womens history month so the National Counsel of Negro Women were there and the message was to women as well. The Pastor has been with his wife for almost 53yrs and you can just see how much he adores her. His word of advise was to not lower our standards. He said when he 1st started dating his wife he had to prove his self to her as a worthy man. He said to this day hes still trying to match up to his wife's expectations. That was good advise for me. I needed to hear that some people I know say the things I expect for someone is too much. Like why he gotta have all that you not gonna find someone like that. After hearing that from a man I know Im shooting for the right things and that Im on the right path.

Its Monday and I usually HATE Mondays but today is going very well. Im ready to see what Tuesday holds!

Ready To Get Back In It

"So you gotta take the good with the bad, the happy and the sad

Or will you bring the better future then I had in the past

Cause I don't want to make the same mistakes I did

I don't wanna fall back on my face again

I'll admit it, I was scared to answer loves call

And if it hits, better make it worth the fall . . ."
- Keri Hilson ft. Neyo and Kanye "Knocks You Down"

So Im ready to try it again. Ive been single for about a year now and Ive been dreading the whole getting back into a relationship thing. Mostly because I know I fall hard and Im not trying to fall hard onto my face once again. But now Im ready to leave the past behind me where it belongs and test the waters and see what happens. I think I spent the majority of my time being single bitter and scared. Bitter that Ive been hurt and scared to have it happen all over again. So I wasted my time dealing with no good dudes because I knew I wouldnt get in too deep. Oh and my favorite excuse . . . I dont have any feelings, NEXT! What a joke. Anyone who knows me know that I am a very emotional person. You feel emotions . . . I dont know what I was even lying for. So now I got my mind right. I know what I want and I refuse to settle for less. I know I have a lot to offer and theres someone out there who can match what I bring to the table . . .

. . . sooooooo WHERE HE AT? Lol

Just Lovely

Everything is falling into perspective and all I can do is thank GOD!!! Yesterday was very rough. Between the drama with new work policies and just being in one if those I really could care less about anything you could possibly tell me kind of moods I thought I was gonna loose it. But somehow some way when you think you've hit rock bottom its something to bring you back to reality. Its never really that bad. And I like to think that Im stronger than most. Im built pretty tough. =)

Today is great! The damn "Salt and Pepper Bandit" is under investigation . . . thats what he gets for robbing me! Ticket situation is almost taken care of. Ahhhh for once I can say I got this juggling thing down nothing is slipping out of my fingers.

And look at this

Bomb huh lol the donut man was in here with out the infamous pink box but I got a nice lil cake from the security guard . . . . how sweet!

Eff This Time Change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This time change is kicking my ass man! Lazy people like me need every hour they can get! And the whole Im going to sleep an hour early thing sooo didnt work out last nite so im at work dog tired. And I promise I cant remember having day light savings time last year lol. Im not crazy or loosing my mind its just that last year was a major blur. Went by way too fast. Only daytime memory I can think of is my B day in May! I remember the night time activities though lol (wink-wink). Ahhhhh memories, ok back to what I was saying . . . . I walked out the movies yesterday at 6 and just knew it was gonna be dark! One bright side though . . . this day went by so fast! Tonight Im definitely getting my extra hour of sleep!

He's Just Not That Into You

I finally got to see that movie yesterday and I can honestly say its been a couple of dudes that just werent that into me lol. But hey we all live and we learn. Its just a movie but it opened up my eyes to a lot of things. We as women allow our selves to make excuses for how the guy in our life acts, what he does, why he does it. Most of the time its there in black and white and instead of reading the pages before us we wanna read between the lines and see what we want to see. Usually the guy we making excuses for is a guy we dont need in our life anyway. We want the things that are detrimental to us in the end because we feel as if the temporary happiness is better than being alone.

Crazy . . .

Im glad I saw it though . . . it was a great movie lots of laughs and a lot to think about. Had my mind racing!

But Im Scared Of . . .

"Most circumstances I know my fate

But in this love thing I dont get the game

Why does it feel like those who give in

They only wind up loosing a friend

Just cause I love you and you love me

It doesnt mean that we'll ever be

Fly cross the Ocean sing for the queen

But the most frightning thing is you and me"
- Jazmine Sullivan "Lions, Tigers and Bears"

If only you could see into the future and see how things would turn out. If only you would know how much to give before you're just taken advantage of. There's no way to block your self from any pain. Jazmine is talking about love but I experience this in like. Nothing is harder than giving your self to someone in a certain way and not getting what you gave in return. But in my years of having relationships Im learning that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and in the end wiser. So with each heartbreak and each down fall it makes you a lil stronger for the next one. And when that next one comes along ur smarter to not let the same things happen again. Even though your first feeling is to be scared of love or even like, go on and give it your all. Its better to have had the chance for the experience than to sit back with what ifs. Life is a journey and no one said the routes you need to take would be easily traveled . . . but everything has a pay off in the end. Your responsibility is to just get there.

It Just Changes With The Weather

This time last week I was on cloud 9. Check me out a week later . . . sad then mad then confused. Seems like it happens all in one breath too. Just like how it was pouring down rain this morning when I left and now the sun is out. Started off the day happy then quickly moved onto this feeling of annoyance to anger to now sadness. Sadness like an empty hole in my heart that needs to be filled with some sort of attention. Its lonely in this world alone. Thats why companions were made. Sometimes you need someone to walk with you through the hard times and let you know that the situation is smaller than you and that you will make it. Independence is fine but it feels good to lean on someone every now and then. Feel me?

Hello Sunshine!

Im surprisingly pleasant today! The last few days have been hell . . . its hard having feelings . Things change and so do ppl so there it is

But anywho . . . today is busy as hell at work again. This damn 1st of the month thing is gonna kill me at least Im not sick anymore cause that was TERRIBLE! Too much!

I got my nose re-pierced this weekend and I thought I'd be content with that but now I keep thinking about how much I really want a lip ring! Damn corporate America for not allowing self expression! They got me standing here in some ugly shoes cause I cant stand up in heels for 8hrs, a uniform shirt, plain black pants . . . thats the one thing I miss about retail. You could do almost whatever as long as you were getting those sales in! Working at the bank isnt that bad though. For one the pay is wayyyy better than retail. I dont know how I was paying a car note and living expenses off that crap they called a paycheck. And the perks are cool. Theres this donut guy that brings in a box for us with every deposit . . . and this guy that owns a pizza shop said he's gonna bring me a slice next time cause Im so nice lol

Oh oh oh! And I filed my taxes can u say Mone is gonna be a legal driver again in the next few months??? YESSSSSSSS! Check me out hehehehehe

I Just Wanna Be Successful!!!

"I want the money

money and the cars

cars and the clothes

the hoes . . .

I suppose,

I just wanna be, I just wanna be successful"

-Drake "Successful"

I love this song so much and I feel him on all 6 minutes of the song . . . but now Im lost on what it really means to be successful. I want the money cars and the clothes but I also know that none of that can actually make me happy. On the other hand I dont have any of that now and Im not happy either . . . sooooo what is it that I really want?

Food for thought

Damn This Immune System of Mine!!!!

So Im sick . . . AGAIN!

This is too much man. Sneezin every two secs, coughin, nose running for miles. Bad part is Im at work lol. Customers lookin at me like I dnt wanna go to her window, Im lookin back like say somethin lol. I wish I could be home and even though I have plenty of sick time I can use I probably shouldnt seein that I called off abt a million times in the 6months that Ive been here all thanks to the United Stated Judicial System . . . ugh! Do you know a customer had the nerve to tell me my cold is mine and its not to share. Im sry I dnt recall wrapping it up and trying to give it to anyone as a gift! Effin customers . . .

Drake's Interview With Vibe.com

With every interview I see or read on this guy I get more of a reason why I respect him soooo much as a arapper! He's so humble and most people would be a lil big headed by now between the artists he runs with and his enormous fan base but man! This is a real cool guy . . . if u havent read the interview or if u interested in learning more abt this guy im always quoting lol then check out his blog octobersveryown.blogspot.com

Part II

Dear February,

I must say you have impressed me! You went from such a terrible evil month to a month of such joy in a matter of two weeks. Thank you for allowing someone I consider pretty special to skate into this life of mine on the 10th (lol). He made that entrance and the word "me" hasnt had the same meaning since. Ahhhh what a feeling! Now I know nothing lasts forever, and everything good has an end but in the words of the Jhene song "Right Here" that Im singing on my answering machine on my phone people only believe that cause they never had him as a friend . . .

Happy . . . Just Plain Happy

Yes Im as happy as can be right about now . . . life's good and Im even better. Arent u happy for me??? Hehehehe

Remember This One???

Go Steady - Da Band

When I'm with you, you make me feel so sexy
Made up my mind,
I agree that we are ready
On a steady pace for love
Ready and I'm ready for love
So do you boy, do you want a taste?

What I see when I look at you
A rugged dude, but a gentleman too
With your hat tilted to the side
I get a chill from those pretty brown eyes
Rippled chest and how you dress
I'm so impressed, can't get you off my mind
I'm so excited, can't wait to be with you tonight

So can we hook up around 8 so
Try not to be late boy
I got so much in store for you
Tell ya boys bye, it's about time
Gonna make it hotter than July
And make it worth your wait and I
I like it when you say, 'Don't be shy'

When I'm with you, you make me feel so sexy,
Made up my mind, I agree that we are ready
On a steady pace for love

Dim the lights, I turn my two-way off and close the door
I'm in the mood for more
Bring it here, I wanna take you there
Ooh boy I swear no one compares
Love makin', breath takin', body shakin, no fakin'
You're really somethin', can't wait to be with you again


So can we hook up around 8 so
Try not to be late boy
I got so much in store for you
Tell ya boys bye, it's about time
Gonna make it hotter than July
And make it worth your wait and I
I like it when you say, 'Don't be shy'

When I'm with you, you make me feel so sexy,
Made up my mind, I agree that we are ready
On a steady pace for love

No more waiting, contemplating'
Cuz I know it's love
I'm so anxious to start makin'
Goin' steady now
Go 'head boy, tear it up

I admit it was a game I played
But now I see things different, girl you changed my ways
You never know you got good fate''till it's gone
Now you feel you bein' hoodwinked now it's on
Listen you never told me you ain't want me to grissle 'cuz I
Kept you hot and now it's somethin' official
You kept a pistol in ya pocket but the government issue
Look I seen too much to tell you I miss you
Or tell you I love you, all day kissin' and huggin'
Listen bottom line if I ain't wit you I'm fuckin'
I never fucked wit ya sister, never fucked wit ya cousin, no fussin' and fightin'
Tonight, we under the covers tusslin'
Paradise where the water is blue and grab a snack 'round a quarter to 2
Me and boo and I ain't gotta give you Extacy
For you to wanna have sex wit me, that's my specialty


When I'm with you, you make me feel so sexy,
Made up my mind, I agree that we are ready
On a steady pace for love

Gettin to Know You is The Best Part

Its such a beautiful thing to begin to like someone. That feelin of butterflies in ur stomach, that weak feelin in your knees wen he hugs you . . . ahhhh its so lovely

Hardest part is tryin not to fall too hard wen its so new. No one wants to end up broken hearted. And if your a good person you dont wanna hurt someone either. So wheres that imaginary line you draw to seperate yourself from possible pain?

Everyone loves to be in like so I guess the best thing is to enjoy the feeling while you can . . . live in the moment because you never know wen that happiness is gonna end. And if it moves on to somethin more serious than like it will mean just a lil more than any other relationship

. . . real talk

Sooooo . . . . . .

I finally got the So Far Gone mixtape . . . probably the last of Drakes fans to get it but hey dnt blame me, blame it on the mac lol

Its bomb though he did that! I had a few songs off of it already and those were fire now I have the whole thing and I cant stop listening to it! Drake is amazing I cant wait till he drops the cd I hope that happens soon

What a weekend!

Im officially banned from drivin so I had alot of time on my hands to watch movies and surf the web. . . my fav thing to do is get new music I havent heard or music I just havent got the chance to get yet. Sooooooo I ended up with abt 20 Drake songs I surprisingly didnt have yet lol. And I read his blog a hot second ago and OMG SO FAR GONE COMES OUT FEB 12TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im so excited whoop whoop!

While Im on the music tip . . . I loved the Grammys last nite. Too bad Chris Brown was beatin on the gf and they didnt get to perform and whatnot cause I always enjoy them but the rest was lovely!

"Why do I feel so alone

Like evrybody passin thru the studio

Is in character as if they actin out a movie role

Talkin bullshit as if it were 4 u to knw

&& I dnt have the heart to give these bitch niggas the cue to go

So they stick around kickin out feedback

&& I entertain it as if I need that . . . "

- Drake "Say Whats Real"

This is why Drake is my fav rapper . . . this dude is too real! I feel him to the fullest, cant wait till the mix tape is out

Dear February,

Before you came to me this year I asked for you to bring me some joy. Let me get through the sad days, enjoy the happy days. Its only 4 days into you and I swear I already hate you. I hate the way you make me cry when I think of your memories. I hate how Im the only one who still remembers you. Most of all I hate how you have left me all alone. Tomorrow is the big day February. If you do nothing else for me please let me make it through with a smile on my face. I just cant be asking for too much to be happy for this day. And while your at it can u tell March to be kind too?

Its been quite some time since Ive been on here . . . not much has changed tho

still searching for a life thats a lil more meaningful . . . I know what it takes the hardest part is just stepping out on faith and taking those necessary steps for improvement. And I've always had this fear of being alone. Guess thats y I allow ppl in my life who are destructive to my being. Its a shame but its true. Guess Saemone has a lil more work to do

Sittin here listenin to love songs got me goin
Got me thinkin of what I want...what I had...what made it like that...what im doin to not make it change
Chris brown in my ear singing abt how he gotta b her everything
Lloyd talkin abt havin a heart attack wen she gone
J holiday suffocates, jordin sparks can't breathe cause he's her air && he's gone
Me, only thing I can sing abt is how come u dnt call me anymore?
Trynna play that nigga role
One fails move to the next
Can't run foreva thoEventually the next run is into the arms of someone && u stay there for a while
Thru the ups && dwns
Wrongs && rights
Hardest part is finding that one worthy of the time && effort put into it
Dnt have time to waste anymore
Played all the games
Had em all played on me
Im not sayin it gotta move to the next level in the next few mins
But there's nothing wrong wit meeting up on the same page && movin on from here
Write our fairy tale story
Day one page one....

Its amazing how I could hate u one day
Then the next wonder why u ever left my life
Its funny how the bad out weighs the good
But I would trade it all to hear the works ILY
Its hard serving time in this prison of my heart
Pen to paper is the only way to express my love for this guy
Im stuck in love wit someone who doesn't give me the love or respect I deserve
But one look in his eyes && I forget all the pain I ever felt
All I see is the love I know he has deep down inside for me
The love I hope he can one day share the way I shared with him
They say if u love something to let it go to know if its meant to be
&& the letting go is the hardest part . . .

Eva been lost in love
&& wen u found ur self
U were lost w/ out it?
Walkin around aimlessly lookin 4 what u once ran away from
Trynna find someone, anyone to give u that feeling
Like a drug addict lookin for the same feeling of that first hit
After a while u gotta have it
Your addicted to it
It becomes an internal struggle u deal wit foreva
Your heart says yes, mind says no
&& since love is such a strong emotion
You go wit ur heart && get hurt once again

"I promise mama Ima do it cause I knw I put u through it,

And I just want u to sit around with ur friends at the dinner table

And say 'my baby is famous and I knw it!' "
-Drake

Jeezy said it best MY PRESIDENT IS BLACK!!!!!

January 12, 2009 is definitely a day to remember . . . a day I knw I wil never forget. Cant wait to tell my kids and grand kids how far along we have come as a people. Everytime President Obama is on tv my grandma is looking in amazement because she remembers 60yrs ago when our people werent even allowed to sit where they wanted to! Now look how far we have come. My mom tells me his story all the time. He wasnt brought up with money like former President Bush. He worked for everythig he has. His drive and his passion got him where he is today and i admire him for that. He's a great man and I hope he can do great thigs for this country.

"1st place is often the worse place

But fuck it I love it here

I call it my birthplace . . . "
- Drake



As of May 5, 2009 Im brand new. . . call me HOLLYWOOD MONE! No more of the same ole same ole. I dnt wanna hit the strip club, dnt wanna shake my ass, dnt wanna sit up in a nigga house, dnt wanna be around the same bitches, dnt wanna have the same hoes . . . Im trynna make my money, buy alot of clothes, meet new ppl, and get new hoes! Lol Naw but fa real Im just ready for bigger and better y not? I been working since I was 16 and I believe thats long enough for a pay off! No more wasting time on no good friendships or relationships . . . mone expects only the best from here on out!

Im really starting to wonder why it feels like I can take a step forward with such ease but I get knocked back as if I dont deserve to be where Im trying to go. Life has been a struggle for as long as I can remember. I just want a sense of security. I wanna know that when I wake up in the morning my day wont be so bad that I go to sleep crying at night.

Ive never been the type to want the fancy cars or wear all the designer labels, but at the rate Im going it feels like if I decided to change my mind and want all the riches I deserve I wouldnt be able to get it. Im not complaining Im just venting as I sit back and keep waiting for better days . . .

I have a new fav rapper to add to my list

DRAKE!!!!!!!

I swear this guy is a lyrical genious! A friend gave me a copy of alot of his songs yesterday and boy ole boy do I feel this guy! I wish I would have seen him at the T-Wayne concert!


Fav Drake line rite abt now . . .
"Ex girl strippin . . . I cant stop her
New girl trippin but I cant drop her
Cause I need something to balance out the fact
That its hard to find a girl when u talented and black"

. . . I love this guy! lol

Eva heard Pink's song "Sober"? One of the best songs I've heard from her . . .

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning
Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home . . .

Ah the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain Inside
You're like protection
How do I feel this good sober?


I think Im feeling that one a lil too much . . . sounds like life

So I wake up this morning wondering about this life of mine. I consider myself a very talented person. Its just time to take one of these talents and develope it into my career. My heart is split in half one side belonging in the fashion world the other is stuck where it has been since I was 5yrs old. . . in music. Music is my savior, my safe place. Cheers me up wen Im sad, gives me hope when Im doubtful. . . its my evrything! Guess I have some more thinking to do . . .

"I wish I could rip out a page of my memory
Cause I put too much energy in him and me
Cant wait till I get thru this phase
Cause its killin me
Too bad we can re write our own history . . . "
- Keri Hilson "Energy"

I wish I could re write my history. If I could I know I would open up this so called book of my life, go back to 11th grade and i would change only one thing. I would look at the guy with the braids on the 212 bus and look away cause I would know he would cause nothin but pain in my life. Too much energy was put into something that ended up hurting me terribly in the end. As for gettin over this phase . . . its been a year and Im still in the same spot. Sometimes going back and forth with the idea of going back to him cause he's all I knw. Letting myself feel sorry for him. Its all bad but its all so hard . . . one day at a time

hello blog world! lol



1st post . . . here it goes . . .

Since its a new yr I though I would do someting new . . . then there this creation of my blog. Ive neva been much of a writter but maybe this will be the place for me to vent instead of holding it all in cause God knows I got a temper out this world!

This yr I hope to get alot done: new car, new boyfriend worthy of my time, friends that I can trust, money in the bank, and most importantly MY OWN APT!!!! So no more games no more excuses its time to get my ass in gear and do me!

** smile **