April 29, 1988

Happy b day to my fav Robert Jackson! It really hurts that u aint here to see 21. Its still hard to believe that you're gone. I think of your b day and expect to be at Danny house turning it up or something cause we all knw Danny house is the function house lol but we not. Come to think of it that's the last place I saw you for Danny's b day. Man this just aint right. I just wrote on your facebook page and I feel so weird knowing I won't be getting a thank you back but I know you feel all the love we throwing up to you from down here. We really love you man from the bottom of our hearts. I'll see you again one day Fav and when I do I expect one of your hugs too, k? I miss those the most .. .. ..

Caught up in This Lovers Thing

Infatuation : the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love ; addictive love. Usually, one is inspired with an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for somone.

Its such a comfortable state. No commitment but you get the perks of having someone to care for whether its something semi serious or if its something to admire from afar. My thoughts are racing all day floating from memory to memory of time spent. This dude is AMAZING!!! Its just too bad Im going to be stuck in this position for quite a while because of the kind of guy he is. Hes someone no girl will ever be able to get close to. You know this but you're still drawn to him. Hes almost the perfect guy: BOMB body, CUTE face, dresses cute, has his own place, hes a go getter, makes his money, WONDERFUL personality, can hold a convo, listens and remembers what you tell him .. .. .. nothing can be that good without a catch. His is a fatal one. I was warned not to fall too deep for him. Thinking I had it all under control I went in head first. One day Ill learn to listen lol

Progress

Progress :to grow or develop, as in complexity, scope, or severity; advance

This is my word of the day. Im big on progress because I just cant allow myself to be in the same place for too long. Whether its in a position at work, making the same amount of money, driving the same car .. .. .. I need a lil variety in my life! There's too much out in the world waiting for me to get my hands on for me to settle for the same ole same ole old shit everyone else strives for. Im trying to move a lil higher. See whats beyond the horizon.

You see I have this one lil issue. One thing thats holding me back from my personal progress. Some call it a father, I call it a sperm donor. A father is much more than a word describing who a man is to a child. Its someone who is there to offer support, give advise, show you how you should be treated as a lady. I never had that person in my life. That figure was replaced by someone I feared. Most joy was replaced with pain. I can think of a handful of memories containing laughter. Most were tears. I would love to find this man again and be able to let him know the pain I have deep down inside of me. The anger I carry with me everyday. I wonder how he would feel to know I feel in love with someone who was just like him and went through the same heartache that my mother was subject to at the hands of him. I think if I were to be able to express this to him I'd be able to finally move past it and begin to trust and love again with a heart thats no longer heavy. I must make that a priority!

Life is Beautiful as Ever when it Pans out .. .. ..

Im not feeling like my self too much rite now. Im not sure who I feel like, it just dont feel like me if that makes any sense. Im kinda on a me search right now. I know who I was now Im trying to see who Im going to be. I feel a full transformation coming on, love life, financial situation, car situation, home life .. .. .. all that shit! No more holding on to what - ifs or shoulda coulda wouldas. Everything prior to this day has to be left in the past where it belongs. Relationships mostly. Not that I dont know how to move on but it takes a lot for me to let someone into my heart and life that once Im supposed to let em go its a void that seems so hard to fill so I end up letting them back into my life even if just as a friend. And after all this back and forth Ive been subject to I dnt think ex's with a big history can be friends. Too many feelings and so much love lost. All those feelings mix together to make a big painful disaster. Its just all bad. Im even playin with the thought of moving again. Hey Ill be 21 in a few days so Vegas is sounding a lil nice lol. But then I dont knw. We shall see what's in store in the coming months. Wish me luck!

See You a lil Later my Friend

Yesterday we said our final good-bye to Robert. This was one of the biggest funerals Ive ever been to. Shows you how many people he knows and how many lives he has touched. There was no sitting room so when it came time for the viewing of the body and the line started coming in of all the people who had to watch the service outside, I was just sitting there like omg he's gonna be missed by wayyy more than I could even imagine. We all pretty much went to the same high school and of course everyone isnt all buddy buddy. I was in there with a couple people I dont get along with and we all kept it cool for him. Im glad nothing bad happened, sometimes we just dont know how to act. The repast was just as nice. Didnt really know what to expect but it was a lot of fun. All the F L I P S I D E homies had on their Robert shirts and it was a lot of food, music, dancing, and love. Its been so long that I can say all of them were together whether kickin it or at a party and it was nice to see them all together again. I hope this wasnt a one day thing. They all look so good together and I know Robert would love for the guys he loves to all get along and be the bros they should be. So now I took all my memories of Robert from the 4yrs Ive known him and his lovely homegoing service and put them in a special place in my heart so that I can have them with me forever. I LOVE YOU MAN!!

The amazing F L I P S I D E !! Gotta love these guys

Laughter {smile}

I just ran across a blog that seemed interesting so I began to see what this chick was about in her blog and the 1st thing I see is a title "Im in Love With a Stripper" I was like ooooooo lemme read this! So I read and shes talking about how she has this stripper dude who she liked untill she found out her shows her the same attention he shows evryone else up in the club. That made me wonder how long it took her to figure that out! Strippers are a whole other kind of being. Sounds odd but its true. Take it from someone who been around them for toooooo long! They live their life different. That true definition of that up all night life! You will never be his only one, if you are how he gonna get his money? Smh sad but I dont know not one that doesnt mess with every girl youve ever seen tip him. That or the girl is his "sister" and they girl probably plotting on how to get in his pants anyway so she count too lol. Too much drinking too much smoking . . . you cant do all that sober! Terrible, just terrible.

With that said stay away from em unless you like being trapped, enjoy drama, and like spending alot of money every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday lol. Now Im going to read this for motivation and take my own advise!

One Day at a Time

So its day 3. Each day gets a lil easier to make it through but I know in a week Ill be saying my final good-bye. Its still so surreal to me. Yesterday I spent abt 5hrs with his family reflecting on all the good times and gave some pics to show in the slide show they're going to have I can say that was the first time I thought about him with out a tear coming to my eye. We saw all of our prom pics and pics of him in all his silly moments like the pic of me and my ex at Six Flags the day after prom where its supposed to be just me and my ex and he came in the pic blowin kisses lol oh and the pic of him in the drill team girls outfit hahahaha . . . memories, precious memories.

Today is a day of mixed emotions. Its a good feeling to have someone care for you but its hard when you care for the person too but not quite in the same way. Its like a battle because I want a relationship and who better than with him but I still have this I dont know in the back of my mind. Part of it is I think Im too much for him. I do a lot of things he doesnt care for, go a lot of places he would prefer me not to go, but still Im the one he wants. Wow . . . maybe Im in disbelief. He's really an amazing guy. Ive known him for the longest and he has never changed towards me. I gotta get my feelings in order and figure out what it is I want before he falls too deep and I hurt him. That would be the worst dont wanna do that . . .

Painful Memories

Last night was just about the roughest night Ive had in the longest. All the late nites I spent thinking of my problems and crying over the past dont amount to how I feel right now. After seeing everyones away messages and looking at his facebook page its like you gotta believe its true but im just not ready to accept it yet. No not yet. My mind keeps going back to my two favorite memories of him. One from at his cousins b day party a year ago. It ended with a fight and I was in the street crying cause I couldnt find my ex who is his friend and he stayed by my side and even though he know I was tripping he made sure I didn't leave that house until I saw and spoke 2 my ex then he checked on me the next day and didn't even clown me for acting a damn fool over nothing. My other memory is last June at a kickback when he found out me and my ex weren't together anymore and he pulled me to the side asked me why and when I told him and began to cry he really comforted me and apologized for him. It may seem a lil corney but its so true. That's the caring loving kind of guy he was. Im really like making myself sick over all of this its really too much. And this is only day 2. I don't know how we all are going to get through this. I believe everything happens for a reason but I can't understand this one. I keep thinking why did he have to get shot? Why didn't the dude freak out and shoot his self? It just wasn't his time I guess. Doesn't seem fair that it was Roberts time either but God makes no mistakes. Some people you wonder about when they die. You hope they lived their life accordingly and will end up in heaven. I know Robert is in Heaven looking down on us hoping there is something he could do to stop our pain . . . Love you man!!!!!

April 29, 1988 - April 6, 2009

R.I.P Fav Ima miss you

Life is entirely too short. Just a few months ago I was partying with you now I get an email saying your gone. I dont even know what to say. All I know is it wont be the same with out you buddy. We all gonna miss your smile, your laughs, runing into your arms screaming your name when I see you, and omg idk what Ima do at the next party I go to and your not there dancing with the rest of the Flipside hommies . . . this is too much for me. Not just me, but everyone! I love you and Im gonna miss the hell outta you Robert Jackson!

Stepping Out On Faith Hoping I Don't Land On My Face

So Im on this Im gonna be 21 in a month what am I gonna do tip again and I think the best present I can give myself is a new start. It would be nice to transfer to a Chase branch in Vegas. New faces, new experiences . . . but I feel like I'd be running away from what I want to change instead of being a big girl and changing it. I think after I write this I'll get me a new aim and sign onto that adding just the few people I can stand to talk to, a number that has severely changed. The same people dont excite me anymore. Neither does doing the same things. Guess its just that time to cut the ties and move on . . . .

Damn This Feeling!

So its April 4th meaning its the morning after the night of April 3rd . . . boy was that a nite! I dont know how Im about to make it through these 5 hours of work today like this. Woke up this morning and my head was just spinning! Somehow last nite I found some excitement after I got dressed and When I got there I was really feeling the atmosphere . . . untill I went back to the old me and had me a lil drink. Your tolerance really goes down if you havent done it in a while and boy was I gone! And its something about liquor that makes me see things for what they really are. I had a couple of eye opening experiences that leads me to the point where I wont be making calls, writing text messages or excepting any of those as a matter of fact to/from a few people. Its too much to deal with and all of it is pretty pointless.

Question is if I know all this why do I continue to go?? Now thats the million dollar question. There used to be a certain excitement about it all then when that wore off it was the thrill of watching the drama behind it all then when you become apart of the drama its like whoa what am I doing here. You move from each step so fast that before you know it youre sucked in. Only thing I know for sure is Im not going back and Im not drinking anymore this is like the longest blog ever written because when Im writing I forget how I feel lol. I got a headache out this world and my stomach is cussing me out. All I keep thinking is U CANT THROW UP AT WORK!!!!!!!!!!!! How disgusting would that be. Im so sick and tired I made a copy and damn near fell asleep leaning over the copy machine! Its bad, reaaaalllll bad. But bright side is its only an hr and a half till closing and hopefully they just lemme go!

So Its April 3rd

Tonight is the "big nite" its a lil after 10:30am and I bet you they ova at the club now getting ready for the "big nite". WHATEVA!!! I was looking forward to this day and now that its here Im really making myself go. I would almost rather sit at home all alone with no one to talk to than to get sucked into that place again. Its funny because almost this time last year me and my people got an award for most faithful members on the award show night lol. It took almost fighting and feeling like that place just really didnt have my back like they should to get me out. Now here I am a good two months later with my outfit laid out at home waiting for me to put on for the "big nite". Its just not how it used to be. The majority of people that go there get way to involved and Im definitely no exception. So if you happen to see me at the club wit no drink in my hand no smile on my face you know whats up. Im in there stricky for support to the few people in there I still consider to be real. Next month I wont be doin this bs!!

May 5, 2009

Thats the day . . . it'll mark 21 yrs of me gracing this world with my presence. Although a lot of it wasnt too good, its what makes Saemone who she is. Man, I got a month and 4 days and its here. I feel like Im having a mid life crisis or the equivalent to it cause Im sitting in this room just about going crazy! At 16 I had it all planned out. By 18 I'd be in my own place, working at my wonderful job, in love with the then amazing boyfriend . . . funny how the tables turn. Dont get me wrong I love my job (notice thats the only thing I have in that list smh) but money is most definitely not on the route to the better me. I feel like so much has changed in me for the worst in the last few years since high school ended. I can look in the mirror and its supposed to be the same girl, but I dont see the same reflection I used to. Not too much has changed physically but if you take a look deep down into the heart of that girl in the mirror all you see and feel is cold. Not much happiness, not much joy or excitement. Where the hell does it all go? I sure as hell have my ideas but I refuse to let that claim any other parts of me . . .

Everyone says that 21 is so young, Sure I have plenty of time but dammit Im a girl who wants it all! I hate more than anything in the world not to get what I want. So this is another internal struggle that I must conquer in order to move on and turn the page to begin writing the next chapter of Saemone's amazing life. Like drake says "I hope they document what Im becoming" cause boy ole boy is it gonna be a sight to see!