Lost

There's this empty void in my life that I cant really figure out how to fill. I really dont know what to fil it with. So I sat down and thought about all the things I feel Im missing in my life. I came up with a significant other, money in the savings acct, I dont know what I wanna do with my life, and Im not in school. Not knowing what to with my life is a big issue. Im damn near 21 now! I miss being in school soooo much but I have no idea what to go to school for because I dont know what to do with my life. When I was in school I has all for Fashion Merchandising. That field is super cut throat! I'd love t be a shoe buyer but the retail fashion business just isnt for me. Thats what kept me in retail for so long. I was trying to force myself into a field I dont have the patience or really the drive for. On the other hand I love music. As poetic as it may sound its really the air that I breathe. Working in Santa Monica I meet a lot of cool people. My bank is right by the MTV studios and I believe Sony and Epic so I see these people all day rolling around in their Audi's,BMW's, Mercedes's, and Bentley's. I see it. I want it. I crave it. Sitting here depositing and withdrawing money for them aint gonna cut it much longer. I gotta get my stuff together. Its past about time!

It Sho Dont Come From Nothin!

Im usually a pretty helpful person. All of my friends know if they need to talk or need advise they can call on me and I help them out the best way that I can. But one thing I cant hear about anymore is change. I just went down my aim list and saw how many aways are talking about how they want something different in their lives. Now my mom has me hooked on the secret and the whole law of attraction thing. One of the things you have to know to use the law of attraction is what you focus on expands. If you focus on what u want and not what you dont have your change can come. Most people harp on the fact that they cant find a good guy/girl, they arent making enough money . . . you're wasting valuable time on your aint gots when you need to see what it is you want and make it happen.

What I need people to understand is CHANGE COMES FROM SOMETHING! You have to take some steps in a DIFFERENT direction in order to see something DIFFERENT come into your life. I cant stand to see people sit back and complain when they are in control of what happens in their life. Ima need all of yall to stop the bitching and moaning get off yo ass and make something happen cause you sitting around is doing absolutely nothing for your progress.

I just had to get that off my chest . . . wheeewww!

Sunday Night . . . **Smile**

"I'm tryna do it all tonight,

I got plans

I gotta certain Lust For Life,

And as it stands

Everything is going as right,

As it can

They tryna shoot down my flight,

before it lands"
Drake - "Lust For Life"

If you know me or have been reading this blog of mine you would know that Im a Drake fan . . . hes on tour wit Wayne on the I AM MUSIC tour but my slow ass missed out on the opportunity to go. And I refuse to pay what they're charging for the nose bleed section unless they letting me backstage or something after the show! Ya feel me?? Lol so since I effed up on that one I actually got an invite to club Sugar Sunday where he's supposed to be performing! YAY!!!! Now this is my dilema . . . the I AM MUSIC tour is also on Sunday at Universal Studios. I mean Sugar and Universal Studios arent that far apart but they betta not be playing me. This would make my yr if I got to see this dude perform . . . hope it all happens as planned!

My Song Of The Day

"When you hear me talkin, what you think

When you lookin into my eyes, what you see

I know you ain't tryna to be my man

What you think about us bein friends, makin plans

To be everything we wanna be, makin our dreams turn reality

I'm diggin everything you appear to be

And I'm wonderin if we could be could be . . ."
-Keyshia Cole "We Should Be"

I had the Ipod on shuffle today and ran into that song . . . its so pretty!

. . . .

I love the way Im getting past these so called tough days with such ease. I barely even remembered what yesterday was and the 21st ended up being the most turnt up night Ive had in months! And not because I was depressed and sad, but because I was just focused on me and mine. Now dont get me wrong I was depressed at work in the am but once the street lights came on and we all got dressed up for GREEK MANIA it was a wrap! Everybody was there . . . familiar faces from high school all the people you love to be around in a club setting. It was fun! Too bad I looked a hot mess walking out of there oh boy. Cant wait till the next major function April 3rd. For those of you who know me you know where Im gonna be at. Lets just hope I dont act a fool and end up getting kicked out opening night . . . but then again if you know me you know I really dont care hehehe

March 21, 2008

A day I will always remember but I wish I could forget. Better yet I wish I could go back in time and take a different route to avoid all heart ache and pain Im experiencing now. I had an unrelated talk with my mom last nite and she says I need to learn to forgive and forget. I spent damn near all night thinking about this and the past year Ive experienced seems unforgivable. Countless restless nights, rivers of tears cried, trust gone. Then on the other hand if I take the steps to be able to let it go then maybe ill have the peace of mind for those things to be able to come back. Maybe Ill learn to trust someone again, maybe the rivers of tears will dry up . . . Ill never know untill I try but taking that first step is the hardest step to your goal.

I promised my mom to try the whole forgive and forget thing but the bigger promise is to myself. Not just to the events of March 21, 2008, but for everything that Im holding in fighting against. I dont want to fight anymore. The battles with yourself are the hardest ones, and the only ones you really control. So Im ready to take that first step no matter how hard it may be so I can get past this. So after today no more bitching and complaining. No more crying and no more regrets. This didnt happen by mistake as unfortunate as it is. So my first step is thanking God for choosing me to go through this because to allow me to go through this I know He believes Im strong and I know He has something great destined for me. I also thank Him for the strength that He has already blessed me with. Theres a blessing in every situation and Im still on my journey to recieve this one.

Internal Struggle Part 1,000

There's always a time in your life when you have a battle with yourself with right and wrong. You know what you want, you know what you need but you try to find a way to put the two together when they just dont match up.

I've always been the type to hide my feelings from myself. All I gotta do is say Saemone, you dnt care no more . . . its nothing and I really feel that until that moment comes when your reality sets in and you realize that you cared. When your reality sets in you realize that ur really hurt.

So now im at the crossroads. If I go left im setting myself up for disaster. Heartbreak, pain, crazy jealousy, unnecessary haters. If I go right then im being me. Going on the path I started. Not that I like or enjoy the drama but the straight and narrow is far less interesting as going to the left and hitting a few bumps in the road. That was the old me and even though I see that a change was needed and actually started making the change I wanna go back just for a quick second! Is that so wrong?

. . . Don't worry I know the answer to that question. This was one of those reflective lunch breaks. Most definitely.

Tuesday Nights

There's something about Tuesday nights. Maybe its the music or the bright lights or the pure excitement of being around a bunch of people who all came to have fun without all the extra drama. No one wants that. I know Im really just tired of it . . . So every Tuesday night people like me get together at Skate Depot and skate the night away. I dont want to sound like a scene out of ATL but it feels like nothing matters . . . all the drama disapears from 8:30 - 12:30. So every week I wait for Tuesdays and when Tuesday turns into Wednesday Im waiting for the next week so I can do it all over again.

And boy am I a terrible skater! Lol I fall all over the place in there. So tonight Im hoping to not fall on my ass in front of everyone trying to get geeked up or run into another wall trying to pass up someone who obviously skates faster than me . . . no promises tho lol

Whoa Whoa WHOAAAAA!!!!!!!

So I just had the most AMAZING weekend! I havent been out in so long it felt good to get all dressed up and hit a club. I gotta get used to being in heels again cause man do my ankles hurt right now! Sheesh!!!!

The club was a set up though if you ask me. That was the wrong neighborhood to have a party of that type and we all shouldve known it wouldnt last too long when it pretty much just started and it was already 3 police cars in the parking lot lol. But once you got in and you find out they're giving out wristbands to EVERYONE and the 1st two drinks are free . . . you kinda forget about all of that. Well untill an hour into it and you're really feeling it and they stop the music to announce the after hours spot cause the police just shut it down smh. I wasnt even mad though thats what happens when your feeling yourself and everyone around you (wink - wink).

Yesterday was my Granny's b - day . . . she's so cute man. She just wanted me to go to Church with her and I did and I usually dont like going to her Church but for once I really enjoyed it! Its womens history month so the National Counsel of Negro Women were there and the message was to women as well. The Pastor has been with his wife for almost 53yrs and you can just see how much he adores her. His word of advise was to not lower our standards. He said when he 1st started dating his wife he had to prove his self to her as a worthy man. He said to this day hes still trying to match up to his wife's expectations. That was good advise for me. I needed to hear that some people I know say the things I expect for someone is too much. Like why he gotta have all that you not gonna find someone like that. After hearing that from a man I know Im shooting for the right things and that Im on the right path.

Its Monday and I usually HATE Mondays but today is going very well. Im ready to see what Tuesday holds!

Ready To Get Back In It

"So you gotta take the good with the bad, the happy and the sad

Or will you bring the better future then I had in the past

Cause I don't want to make the same mistakes I did

I don't wanna fall back on my face again

I'll admit it, I was scared to answer loves call

And if it hits, better make it worth the fall . . ."
- Keri Hilson ft. Neyo and Kanye "Knocks You Down"

So Im ready to try it again. Ive been single for about a year now and Ive been dreading the whole getting back into a relationship thing. Mostly because I know I fall hard and Im not trying to fall hard onto my face once again. But now Im ready to leave the past behind me where it belongs and test the waters and see what happens. I think I spent the majority of my time being single bitter and scared. Bitter that Ive been hurt and scared to have it happen all over again. So I wasted my time dealing with no good dudes because I knew I wouldnt get in too deep. Oh and my favorite excuse . . . I dont have any feelings, NEXT! What a joke. Anyone who knows me know that I am a very emotional person. You feel emotions . . . I dont know what I was even lying for. So now I got my mind right. I know what I want and I refuse to settle for less. I know I have a lot to offer and theres someone out there who can match what I bring to the table . . .

. . . sooooooo WHERE HE AT? Lol

Just Lovely

Everything is falling into perspective and all I can do is thank GOD!!! Yesterday was very rough. Between the drama with new work policies and just being in one if those I really could care less about anything you could possibly tell me kind of moods I thought I was gonna loose it. But somehow some way when you think you've hit rock bottom its something to bring you back to reality. Its never really that bad. And I like to think that Im stronger than most. Im built pretty tough. =)

Today is great! The damn "Salt and Pepper Bandit" is under investigation . . . thats what he gets for robbing me! Ticket situation is almost taken care of. Ahhhh for once I can say I got this juggling thing down nothing is slipping out of my fingers.

And look at this

Bomb huh lol the donut man was in here with out the infamous pink box but I got a nice lil cake from the security guard . . . . how sweet!

Eff This Time Change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This time change is kicking my ass man! Lazy people like me need every hour they can get! And the whole Im going to sleep an hour early thing sooo didnt work out last nite so im at work dog tired. And I promise I cant remember having day light savings time last year lol. Im not crazy or loosing my mind its just that last year was a major blur. Went by way too fast. Only daytime memory I can think of is my B day in May! I remember the night time activities though lol (wink-wink). Ahhhhh memories, ok back to what I was saying . . . . I walked out the movies yesterday at 6 and just knew it was gonna be dark! One bright side though . . . this day went by so fast! Tonight Im definitely getting my extra hour of sleep!

He's Just Not That Into You

I finally got to see that movie yesterday and I can honestly say its been a couple of dudes that just werent that into me lol. But hey we all live and we learn. Its just a movie but it opened up my eyes to a lot of things. We as women allow our selves to make excuses for how the guy in our life acts, what he does, why he does it. Most of the time its there in black and white and instead of reading the pages before us we wanna read between the lines and see what we want to see. Usually the guy we making excuses for is a guy we dont need in our life anyway. We want the things that are detrimental to us in the end because we feel as if the temporary happiness is better than being alone.

Crazy . . .

Im glad I saw it though . . . it was a great movie lots of laughs and a lot to think about. Had my mind racing!

But Im Scared Of . . .

"Most circumstances I know my fate

But in this love thing I dont get the game

Why does it feel like those who give in

They only wind up loosing a friend

Just cause I love you and you love me

It doesnt mean that we'll ever be

Fly cross the Ocean sing for the queen

But the most frightning thing is you and me"
- Jazmine Sullivan "Lions, Tigers and Bears"

If only you could see into the future and see how things would turn out. If only you would know how much to give before you're just taken advantage of. There's no way to block your self from any pain. Jazmine is talking about love but I experience this in like. Nothing is harder than giving your self to someone in a certain way and not getting what you gave in return. But in my years of having relationships Im learning that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and in the end wiser. So with each heartbreak and each down fall it makes you a lil stronger for the next one. And when that next one comes along ur smarter to not let the same things happen again. Even though your first feeling is to be scared of love or even like, go on and give it your all. Its better to have had the chance for the experience than to sit back with what ifs. Life is a journey and no one said the routes you need to take would be easily traveled . . . but everything has a pay off in the end. Your responsibility is to just get there.

It Just Changes With The Weather

This time last week I was on cloud 9. Check me out a week later . . . sad then mad then confused. Seems like it happens all in one breath too. Just like how it was pouring down rain this morning when I left and now the sun is out. Started off the day happy then quickly moved onto this feeling of annoyance to anger to now sadness. Sadness like an empty hole in my heart that needs to be filled with some sort of attention. Its lonely in this world alone. Thats why companions were made. Sometimes you need someone to walk with you through the hard times and let you know that the situation is smaller than you and that you will make it. Independence is fine but it feels good to lean on someone every now and then. Feel me?

Hello Sunshine!

Im surprisingly pleasant today! The last few days have been hell . . . its hard having feelings . Things change and so do ppl so there it is

But anywho . . . today is busy as hell at work again. This damn 1st of the month thing is gonna kill me at least Im not sick anymore cause that was TERRIBLE! Too much!

I got my nose re-pierced this weekend and I thought I'd be content with that but now I keep thinking about how much I really want a lip ring! Damn corporate America for not allowing self expression! They got me standing here in some ugly shoes cause I cant stand up in heels for 8hrs, a uniform shirt, plain black pants . . . thats the one thing I miss about retail. You could do almost whatever as long as you were getting those sales in! Working at the bank isnt that bad though. For one the pay is wayyyy better than retail. I dont know how I was paying a car note and living expenses off that crap they called a paycheck. And the perks are cool. Theres this donut guy that brings in a box for us with every deposit . . . and this guy that owns a pizza shop said he's gonna bring me a slice next time cause Im so nice lol

Oh oh oh! And I filed my taxes can u say Mone is gonna be a legal driver again in the next few months??? YESSSSSSSS! Check me out hehehehehe