Why Do I Feel So Sad

I dnt understand how I can be so happy and still feel how I do. I'm damn near in tears and I swore my eyes didn't work anymore. All I know is you can't help who you love. You don't plan it and as much as you may think you're in control you're really not. Its crazy how the heart and mind work with each other to play these crazy tricks on me. I feel like I'm 17 again in my heart and once I start falling my mind takes over and reminds me of 18-20 and I get all teary eyed and confused. I'm probably getting to this confusion listening to friends and fam. UGGHHH. Oh and I looovvveee how I can get all my feelings out on paper but I can't open my mouth and tell him. I'm scared tho. No one likes rejection but I'd feel so free to say "I loved you, love you, and I will always love u. The day I met you was one of the best days of my life and no one has impacted me in such a way before or since and that's probably the real reason why I love you. Others have taken my place but they will never feel for you the way I do. And to this day I never have had a real doubt that this is/was real but to give it another chance as older much more mature people would make me the happiest girl in the world" I'd never get that out. I'm really over here fighting myself. Damn ... no one said it be easy, but you couldn't have told me it would be this hard. The more time I spend with him just makes it worse too. FUCCCKKK I knw the majority of this makes no sense but I had to clear some mental space ... its getting crowded in here.